ramblings of a medical defect

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 21:30:32 GMT

jake's father backed into my dad's car causing at least $1600 in damage
when this occurred my dad was on his bday cruise in jamaica, the cayman islands, etc, etc
he just got back today and gave me two 24k gold anklets
i feel like shit for it =[

on the other hand,
classes at fgcu start august 24th
orientation july 27-28

andddddddd i'm still sick as fuck
yay for coughing up blood and being too weak to walk
-.-

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 01:54:52 GMT

i miss the past but at the same time i'm anxious for the future
living day to day is getting old, but its really all i have

got accepted to fgcu
but i might have to take all my courses online
homebound college student? no thanks

i don't have many people left in my life, but stragely enough, i'm ok with that

i feel entirely disconnected from mariner
to the point that i don't even really want to walk at graduation or any of that bullshit
why partake in the senior activities when i never really got the senior year experience?

blackesttears86@aol.com — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 03:55:24 GMT

follow-up with mcgookey tomorrow
results from the mri, eeg, and blood work
i'm scared and i'm anxious
3pm seems ages away

why bother?

blackesttears86@aol.com — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 14:50:29 GMT

i'm single
think what you want, but i don't tolerated being cheated on
especially when he calls the girl over to his house at 11:30pm
especially when she throws herself all over him at every opportunity

as for the medical bullshit..
i had an eeg and blood work done last week, while pulling the lab they hit my radial artery so i now have a miniature hematoma
tomorrow is another mri
the 3rd is a follow-up with the neurologist
the 9th i go to tampa for an appointment at the movement disorder clinic on usf's campus
and due to tongue fasciculations i might be dead in four months

hah, hows '09 going for you guys?

my head is spinning...

blackesttears86@aol.com — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:08:25 GMT

spent a few hours at lee memorial hospital last night
yay for random convulsions

still no diagnosis
still no hope

blackesttears86@aol.com — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:58:13 GMT

seizures, strokes?, tremors, temporary paralysis, migraine, muscle weakness, joint pain, pain upon being touched, dizziness, fainting, loss of appetite, weight loss, hair loss, random loss of feeling in forearms, tingling/burning/pins and needles sensations in arms and legs, etc.

i can't even function anymore
i don't even want to attempt to function anymore
either fix me of fucking kill me cause living like this is miserable

life, or a ceasing of it

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 22:05:36 GMT

i had a seizure last night while wearing a heart monitor, so maybe they'll be able to pull some info from that
i'm sick of not having a diagnosis, of having to miss out on my senior year, of all this shit

most of all, i miss everyone
it gets old sitting at home everyday
lets kill time together?

blackesttears86@aol.com — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 13:32:45 GMT

good news? i don't need brain surgery

bad news? i'm still undiagnosed and the fuckers are just kinda giving up
i know i'm a medical fuckup and all, but seriously?

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 04:41:49 GMT

i'm homebound
and i might need brain surgery

senior year really isn't turning out how i hoped it would

at least grant is finally off probation

blackesttears86@aol.com — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:28:01 GMT

its mind numbing to be told at the age of 17 that you may not live to see your 21st birthday
to hear those words said in such a serious setting, actually said by a doctor..
it just makes you realize how limited our time here really is and how we shouldn't take anything for granted
although the diagnosis isn't definite and it may all turn out to be a false alarm, i'm still scared shitless
some more testing over the next week or so and we'll see if the neurologist guessed correctly
lets hope he didn't

blackesttears86@aol.com — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:00:01 GMT

i got my blood drawn again today, might be getting more blood work done tomorrow
soo much fun -.-

i miss my friends
i feel like i'm getting closer to one or two people but losing touch with the rest
i want it to be like it used to, when everything was so relaxed and everyone always got along
but i guess thats one of the prices you pay as you get older
i dunno, i'm done rambling

basically, if you're reading this and want to chill, get in touch with me!
i would love to spend time doing something other than visiting doctors and working

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 20:08:49 GMT

i miss the times where i was allowed to be young and naive
when i could live with my head in the clouds and just let the time pass by
maybe its better now, now that i can look out at the world and see the truth behind actions
i know its all a part of growing up, i just wish everyone could be on the same page

grant and i broke up, again
but this time is permanent, i'm not going to give into his soft words and sweet promises anymore; part of me is always going to love him, but i hate the people and substances he surrounds himself with

on the bright side (maybe), i'm going to prom
hah, me in a dress and heels
it's basically a death wish
my moms making me practice walking around the house in the damn shoes, so i won't end up making myself look like a fool

oh, and my health has actually improved a bit
but only because i'm now taking 10 pills a day and getting 3 injections a week
lucky me, right?

<3

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 02:39:00 GMT

for the record:

asthma flares lasting over 72 hours blow
as does having to fight for each breath for 12 hours
>.<

yay for double breathing treatments, asthma 'roids, and anti-inflam/rescue inhalers
blah.

btw, being on 'bedrest' also blows
=]

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 03:49:57 GMT

ever feel like every action in your life is just done in vain?

blackesttears86@aol.com — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 22:12:07 GMT

I can't remember ever being this exhausted in my life, but my grades have gone back to the As they should be!

I'm not going to let all this bullshit get in the way of my making a future for myself; I've worked too goddamn hard to let that happen.

Hope you all did well on midterms,
Kelsea

PS--4 weeks till I only have to get shots every other week.
=D

blackesttears86@aol.com — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 00:08:24 GMT

well, all this was supposed to be a big secret but if i don't get it out somehow i am going to fucking implode:

A--i am being tested for leukemia
B--if i am diagnosed with it, there is a great chance my body won't be able to handle the chemo
C--i don't want to die
D--grant is going to jail/going back on home detention

hope 2008 is starting out better for the rest of you.
love,
kelsea

blackesttears86@aol.com — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 18:56:30 GMT

this year has gotten off to a rather shaky start.
it's gonna get better though, i can feel it.

happy new year to everyone.

blackesttears86@aol.com — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 19:16:15 GMT

i just want to run from it all.

blackesttears86@aol.com — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 19:40:04 GMT

neurologist november 9

i'm not allowed to get my shots or take my allergy meds until then
it sucks, i've been having sinus problems again

the meds they have me on for the tremors make me tired
i'm always tired, yet at night i can barely sleep

my mom's constantly worried about me
she's always commenting on how pale and tired i look
she's always telling me to eat or sleep

i'm amazed i still have straight a's
but my teachers have been extremely forgiving about my late work and absences

i got my schedule changed so i could have a lunch and take my meds before i get shaky
it is now:

1 AP English Mattoni
2 Psych 1 O'Brien
3 ASL 1 Orjuela
4 APES O'Brien
5 Amer. Hist. Hon Bray
6 Alg II Hon Cooke
7 Anat and Phys Hon Minich

the only good news is when, if they do, find out whats wrong with me i can probably stop taking them, and stop being tired all the time, and most of all stop being a medical mystery

blackesttears86@aol.com — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 14:39:36 GMT

well, blood work came back negative.
they prescribed a new med to stop the tremors.
i have to stop taking my allegra and singular to see if thats causing it.
we're looking for a neurologist who takes patients under 18 and our insurance.
the only one we've found can't see us until december 11 cause she only works 24 hour weeks.
must be nice.
my dad took me off the schedule at work for the rest of the week.
i'm allowed to go to school monday =D

the thought of seeing a neurologist scares me.
i'm sick of being a medical mystery.

plastic bubble, please?

blackesttears86@aol.com — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 15:08:54 GMT

i'm sick of being a fucking medical mystery.

monday towards the end of 4th period my hands started shaking, i didn't think much of it because i had only had coffee that morning. walking to 5th period my head starts pounding, i get really dizzy, and the shaking gets worse so i go to the clinic to lay down. they have me go to lunch early, also thinking it was the lack of food. beth and george get to make fun of me throughout lunch because of my shaking like a fucking crack whore. the food only makes the light headedness go away, so i once again go to the clinic. mrs. auld's freaking out thinking my sugar is crashing or something so she has me call my mom. mom believes its nothing serious and has me try to make it through the day, considering it was already around 11:45. so, i leave to go to sign language and i start shaking to the point i can barely write. mrs.ojuela becomes concerned and asks if i'm ok, i say yes and attempt to finish the work. finally 6th period is over and i go to minich for anatomy, she notices my shaking and forces me to go to the clinic. i finally call my dad and he comes to pick me up. at this point i'm crying because i have no idea as to why i'm shaking. we get home and he schedules a doctors appointment for tuesday.

at the doctors tueday nothing really happened, they took my vitals and gave me a referral to go get blood work. so, still shaking, i go and get blood work done, however my left arm (which shakes less) seems to not want to give blood, so my mom had to hold my arm down while they took my blood.

it is now wednesday and i am awaiting word from my doctor. i want to know what is wrong. i don't want more fuckking pills.

and shaking non-stop for 3 days is hella fucking annoying >.

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 13:31:53 GMT

should i be upset that i didn't go to homecoming cause my boyfriend is on home detention?

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 03:23:27 GMT

i've been thinking too much lately
i need to escape

blackesttears86@aol.com — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 11:35:34 GMT

i spend most of my time at school and work, and the time i'm not at either i'm either doing hw or at the doctors. i'm getting sick of being a perfectionist, i feel like i'm not experiencing high school like i should. oh well, two more years and i'm done with that shit. with all the people who enjoy and create drama, all of those who think their shoes matching their purses is more important than their gpa.

maybe it's cause of that i feel like i don't fit in anywhere. i just kinda wander around to those few people i still talk to. what happened? i miss having more than 2 close friends, hell i miss having a life.

this week just hasn't been good. well, actually its been the worst week of my life. i managed to go to 3 doctors appointments, get a dentention, referal, and two days iss, deal with my boyfriend getting arrested and being put home detention, realize that i might lose him and can't go to homecoming with him because of it, and help my mom move all within the past 7 days.

this week has to be better, i'll go insane if it's not.

blackesttears86@aol.com — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 15:01:31 GMT

my dad told my mom.
she called to ask if its really what i want,
and i said yes.
i'm proud of myself cause i didn't cave in
i didn't say no, its all just a misunderstanding
i told her it's because of the cats..
because i don't want to be sick all of the time
fuckfuckfuck
she just called back
harold is taking all the males to the shelter
tonight.
now i really don't know what to do
everytime she calls the tine of voice she has...
i dunno, it sounds like she hates me or something
i don't want to make her feel like this
but at the same time i don't want to feel like shit
fuckk
my mothers emotions or my health?
what a descion.
ughhhh.
help??

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